finally it has ended

Finally i have finish my poly life. ( that is if i pass everything :P)
feeling so free now. but there is still alot of things that i cannot do in the pass, i can try to do it now.:)

today went back to teck whye with darryl and yan lin. and i feel that tw is now getting better. like tone, tuning and even how the music should sound. today they complete the whole song of legend from yao.

i dunno what to talk leh la. haha

things that i must do before new year:

->buy new year clothes

->write out the songs for tw brass

->improve in myself

->help everyone i can that need my help now.

yesterday i went shopping with Alex Fredrick and yanlin. in the end all of us the clothing style very different. and we have to buy it like the following week.

then went to meet ching si and poh wah for mus art concert. it was OK la. is just too loud and noisy. but i very jealous of the Mr Wong. the guest conductor that day conducting his own piece. he is just 1 year older then me, but he is 10 to 20 times better then me. how i wish i could be like him now.

that is why today i wanted to try sight Noak's ark with cnl with my conducting. but in the end we got a meeting saying we are not bring up the standards. i agree, but today i was not prepared it was a last min thing. i only can blame myself. the worst part is every all have high music theory then me and i feel so small during the meeting. cause everyone have meet before for this meeting and i'm like the first time.

i just feel so small. and i need to do alot more them what i am doing now. but i dun have the time for it. or is not the rite time because i going army this year.

i suddenly feel i dunno whether i should carry on this job that i wanted.

i feel so so small. very very small. i dunno how to face it.

i finally know what is wanna cry and dunno how to cry out.

it makes you feel worst when you know by crying out you will feel better.

but you can't or cannot or dunno how to do it.

you only can feel that your eyes is full of tears.

mabel, ching si i finally understands that.

crying is good at sometime

i feel encourage today but at the same time angry and disappointed with myself.

i feel that i sometime say alot of things with think first then say.

i think i must reflect on myself.

not everything in the world can say.

thanks alot to you. i really have learn alot from conducting.

not just conducting pieces but more of life skills, moral, i dunno how to say.

but is just a feeling.

STRESS are coming in again.

i have not been myself this few days. get angry very easily.

dun have a clear mind to think.

but more and more things are coming in and some things i just dun want to know it.

i scare i will lost control

Sorry for the blogging for so long.

firstly, i wanna say that i am very happy with my last md.
-> thanks to all the yr 3, i happy and proud to play with you guys for 3 yrs.
-> thanks to all my close friends in sp band. is you all that make me feel happy in band and stay thru out my poly life.
-> thanks to my section. i love you all! :) i like the gift too.
-> thanks to special pple who have believe in me and make me a better person and a player.

i dunno what to say le so i think should be enough.

secondly, i feel very lost suddenly. dunno is because not sp band or sch work start to stress up me. next week will be my exam week le. i get angry very easily and sorry to pple who i throw temper at. i dunno, out of the suddenly i know alot of things. but i dunno i should know or should not know. trying to help pple to solve problems. in the end get myself in to problems too.

today my fyp project viva i also got shoot by both my supervisor and my group mates did not. went to teck whye, run thru the band with their sec 1 training pieces and somehow make them very unhappy. and somemore i dunno why today i dun dare to look into you went your parts is playing. and suddenly stop playing. i really dunno what happen. whole day never talk to me at all.

i also feel that i am too ambitious, let teck whye sight read things that they cannot and things that i cannot follow myself as a conductor. i will very sorry and very disappointed with myself.
this feeling sucks. i moral suddenly just drop dead. i just too ambitious. mr colin is rite i think i have go to another high where i think teck whye can manage. but cannot. i really dunno where i stand sometime. i dunno very sad dun dare to go back.

maybe i just have to many stress on myself.

i disappoint with myself, i try to help but in the end the same thing happen.
maybe you just not convincing enough.
i am an asshole.