after poc haven been updating.

alot of things happen in my NS BMTC period. we got fun, people bed got carried out when they are in deep sleep. draw they faces and body. water parade, pull underwear and even change locker.

sorry la no mood to update.

hope i am OK and you are OK too.

hope that the other you think that we are just good friend.

hope that the other other you can talk abit more like in the past.

hope that i can adapt in my new place but not the place i want.

In BMTC i learn that not everything you want you can get, and alot of things that you dun want you will get. just have to work happily and do what you need to do in your job. i think that can spent your time more meaning ful and faster.

AIRFORCE i am coming!!!!!

jing remember my eupho practical grade 5!!!!

i am here to update my blog before in go in ns. time have pass very fast. many things have happen in my poly and post poly life and i think i learn alot. but to use it i dunno. i hope i will not be as blur and careless. and trust myself more.

i really you miss my family and friends. cause once go on ns i dun have time to join them even after bmt. thanks for all my friends who sent farewell msg, call me to tell me and in any way. i miss sp band, my eupho section and twss band, schools that i have teach, my alumni band and lastly my home.

i will be going for a long chalet. hope to see you all again 2 weeks later.
bye everyone.

i will learn to take care myself.

Should I stay or Should I go

it seems like there is alot of misunderstanding happening around me. the best is until now i still cannot get over somethings and even solve it. eveything seems getting worst. why people just can't see how i want to help them but see it as i want them the way i one.

maybe is my way of doing things. and every single year there will be a major thing happen. i feel very bad i keep thinking that is me that never teach them the right thing. i feel that i may have teach them the wrong thing. i dunno. i messing up myself now. i really dunno how to go in ns in the shape i am now.

i tell myself not to care what people think about when i know i am doing the right thing. but i always want to make everyone happy which will not happen.

should i stay or should i go?
i really dunno. if i'm that bad why? if i'm that good why?
i trying to stay as focus as i can.
why am i so weak.
why people just dun give me that chance to show or believe in what i can do for you.

if everything seems so bad.

i will leave and not going back.

it seems this is the best way.

until i know how to do.

thanks god for letting me know.

is really time for me to do things i want to do

today was section competition in sp band again. the yearly competition we have.
this year section saxophone section won. i told you guys the first 20 over bar you all will win le. :)

for my section this year we tried 2 pieces nessun dorma and doramon. at least i feel our chord really sounded very nice. i also know that you all sounded very nice during so practises. you all make me feel so proud. i also want to thanks you all for choosing my pieces and playing it well.( the better times when i have hair stand)

dun feel bad everyone we did our best to pull thru all the pieces and we also sectional ibm main band pieces too and got things done.

hope we can have a section outing before holiday end.
but at the same time study for mst.

:)

things are starting to change.
people like to say one thing do one thing.
one break off here and go find a new one right away.
friends of the break one angry and dun like him, BUT
still befriend with him, dunno is act or what.

some want to end a long relationship but now dunno want anot.
some girlfriend can be bitchy until we cannot stand it.
some are just so attention seeker.

guy just dun like this type of girls.
BUT that does not mean can find a new one straight away.
when reason is one yoursleves.

some got too close and got into trouble.
but dunno whether will go strong cause it dun seem so.

some just always want to be together.
BUT start to leave from friends and blame here and there for nothing.
the worst is they think they know everytime and anything.
but in actual fact they are nothing and dunno anything.

i just feel that people and wearing more and more mask.
i really dunno them
cannot trust them any more.
so see them grow from young some are people in the working world.
changes are all around.

you want to help them and stop them from turn into the wrong path.
they FUCK you up side down and say that you dun understand what is love or whatever.
in the end the trust has just break like this.

i dunno what to do and say
just hope these fuckers just leave and dun come back and disturb my life my friends my bands and everything. go and live in your world that you can cover whatever things you can.



lastly there is not personal attact.
if anyone of you feel that i am saying you that means you did it before haha:P

i keep thinking that i know how my friends feel and my Juniors feel. but the fact is like NO!!! i kno wthey are not happy or happy or even have any new things happen to them. but i just somehow like know and dunno. i dun dare to ask. and the more i ask it feels like i want to enter their problems. and somehow give them stress indirectly.

i always say you or pple or that person is so no sensative. but i think carefully now i am the one. i am the one always make them worry what me. i feel so bad. i dunn how to help them. is like more i say the more i want to disturb their own live.

or maybe all the problems they have also started with me. hai i really dunno how to read everyones mind. i just suddenly feel so distance with everyone. cause i really dunno what they are thinking. or maybe even they dun like me at all but just..... know act normal.

i think some of my friends are rite. i must really learn to protect myself first.

now i scare that i will sabo my company in BMT.

god pls bless me and save me from all this. grant me with the sensative mind to understand pple more.

friends are very important.

and they are also very fragile.

once break very hard to glue in together.

even if can there is still scars that will never be remove.

i dunno whether is break.

i want to know.

but somehow i just dunno.

sad.

i want to sing K BOX!!!!!!
i suddenly got the feel to sing out whatever i have been thru and how i feel. is been a long time i have sing. this feeling is back after i watch american idol.
sing is a very special feel like conductor. you can express what you want for the song and how you feel for the song. or even sing out a story about ourselves in the song. let everyone know who you are where you from and share your story with them.

ok let me blog about the past few days. many things have happen, angry, sad, emo but at least there is still happy :)

firstly, i will say the angry things that happen. actually only got one la, but i dun wish to say what happen but i just feel i fail as a friend, brother, educator to bring him to the rite path. but ching si said something that is rite. maybe is the way i do it, and the other guy also have his rite. so i just let nature take its course. but i still cannot stand the way he treat girls la.

secondly, i uncle just past away during chinese new year. i dun really feel anything cause he is not very close to me but my aunt and cousins. but at the point where they have to burn things for him, theyhave to use a stick to hit on the floor and shout his name to collect the thing we burn for him. at the point of time, my cousin (mei lin) she started shout very loudly and hitting very hard. ah pa collect your house and car and money, ah pa collect your house and money! i suddenly feel very sad, my heart is aching and tears start rolling down my face. suddenly feel the importance of my family and friends. and of course no smoking. smoking took away his life.

lastly, is very funny to chat with kok seng, kelly, yan lin on the phone middle of the night. the best is, we can chat anything under the sun or moon. hahaha very happy to know them. and tw band is improving in a way that i cannot believe, and they now have faith and trust in me to pass on all my music ideas to them. 7 march is their performance. i will be conducting, but only when you all believe in me and i can believe in you. so that we can show how good we are. later in the afternoon, sectional on march blue sky and legend from yao.

ok this is what i have to blog. :)

finally i feel some sense of happiness in me:)
thanks to all my friends who believe in me:)

jing jing ask me to stop writing emo things in blog le. but then everytime before i blog i see things that make me shock and disappointed.

i really dun want this to happen.

i am just too busy body

and the things is i cannot help it.

soon or later, everyone will say i am bias and angry with me.

so the last thing to solve this is to, leave them soon.

happy V day

had a nice Vday with my friends today:)

happy chinese new year

i feel in between something.

i feel happy for a friend.

at the same time feel sad for my section junior.

but this is part of life.

but i still shock for that answer i know.

but i understand.

may everyone get alot s of red packet

i always feel very worry for alot of things.

whenever i step into tw band or alumni band, i always worry that i not good enough. i worry that i cannot pass down the things i learn to them.

worry about friends around me. in trouble or and problems.

worry to see them sad and alone there without anyone to cry to.

worry about the kids in tw in school work conduct and everything.

worry about how pple look at me.

and worry alot of things around me at every single minute.

i hope i can learn to stop worrying so much.

but it seems worst.

but i hope when you guys read it, but stop letting me know things too.

cause when i found out, i will be worst.

finally it has ended

Finally i have finish my poly life. ( that is if i pass everything :P)
feeling so free now. but there is still alot of things that i cannot do in the pass, i can try to do it now.:)

today went back to teck whye with darryl and yan lin. and i feel that tw is now getting better. like tone, tuning and even how the music should sound. today they complete the whole song of legend from yao.

i dunno what to talk leh la. haha

things that i must do before new year:

->buy new year clothes

->write out the songs for tw brass

->improve in myself

->help everyone i can that need my help now.

yesterday i went shopping with Alex Fredrick and yanlin. in the end all of us the clothing style very different. and we have to buy it like the following week.

then went to meet ching si and poh wah for mus art concert. it was OK la. is just too loud and noisy. but i very jealous of the Mr Wong. the guest conductor that day conducting his own piece. he is just 1 year older then me, but he is 10 to 20 times better then me. how i wish i could be like him now.

that is why today i wanted to try sight Noak's ark with cnl with my conducting. but in the end we got a meeting saying we are not bring up the standards. i agree, but today i was not prepared it was a last min thing. i only can blame myself. the worst part is every all have high music theory then me and i feel so small during the meeting. cause everyone have meet before for this meeting and i'm like the first time.

i just feel so small. and i need to do alot more them what i am doing now. but i dun have the time for it. or is not the rite time because i going army this year.

i suddenly feel i dunno whether i should carry on this job that i wanted.

i feel so so small. very very small. i dunno how to face it.

i finally know what is wanna cry and dunno how to cry out.

it makes you feel worst when you know by crying out you will feel better.

but you can't or cannot or dunno how to do it.

you only can feel that your eyes is full of tears.

mabel, ching si i finally understands that.

crying is good at sometime

i feel encourage today but at the same time angry and disappointed with myself.

i feel that i sometime say alot of things with think first then say.

i think i must reflect on myself.

not everything in the world can say.

thanks alot to you. i really have learn alot from conducting.

not just conducting pieces but more of life skills, moral, i dunno how to say.

but is just a feeling.

STRESS are coming in again.

i have not been myself this few days. get angry very easily.

dun have a clear mind to think.

but more and more things are coming in and some things i just dun want to know it.

i scare i will lost control

Sorry for the blogging for so long.

firstly, i wanna say that i am very happy with my last md.
-> thanks to all the yr 3, i happy and proud to play with you guys for 3 yrs.
-> thanks to all my close friends in sp band. is you all that make me feel happy in band and stay thru out my poly life.
-> thanks to my section. i love you all! :) i like the gift too.
-> thanks to special pple who have believe in me and make me a better person and a player.

i dunno what to say le so i think should be enough.

secondly, i feel very lost suddenly. dunno is because not sp band or sch work start to stress up me. next week will be my exam week le. i get angry very easily and sorry to pple who i throw temper at. i dunno, out of the suddenly i know alot of things. but i dunno i should know or should not know. trying to help pple to solve problems. in the end get myself in to problems too.

today my fyp project viva i also got shoot by both my supervisor and my group mates did not. went to teck whye, run thru the band with their sec 1 training pieces and somehow make them very unhappy. and somemore i dunno why today i dun dare to look into you went your parts is playing. and suddenly stop playing. i really dunno what happen. whole day never talk to me at all.

i also feel that i am too ambitious, let teck whye sight read things that they cannot and things that i cannot follow myself as a conductor. i will very sorry and very disappointed with myself.
this feeling sucks. i moral suddenly just drop dead. i just too ambitious. mr colin is rite i think i have go to another high where i think teck whye can manage. but cannot. i really dunno where i stand sometime. i dunno very sad dun dare to go back.

maybe i just have to many stress on myself.

i disappoint with myself, i try to help but in the end the same thing happen.
maybe you just not convincing enough.
i am an asshole.